Ladies and gentlemen, you’re looking at a brand new college graduate. Not in the technical sense of having attended classes, written papers, or having properly drowned myself in debt.

No, no, it’s more that I’m now going to present myself as a college graduate to prospective employers. It’s going to be on my resume and everything, along with a respectably high–but not too obviously high–GPA.

You know employers never check these things anyway. All they require is that you talk a good game in the interview. It’s true–I have a friend who got out of prison just two years ago after spending ten years locked up for manslaughter and selling staggering amounts of cocaine. He’s been able to charm his way into increasingly impressive jobs.

This man is my Yoda.

Like any new graduate, I feel a wave of smug satisfaction washing over me. Except mine is especially smug, knowing that I have wasted neither money nor effort on my new accomplishment.

Friends, be on the lookout for details on my graduation party. Cash gifts are especially appreciated.

• BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
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• » adventures of a college dropout.