Having my writing available for public perusal nets me some interesting mail from time to time. I received the following letter this morning. Apparently, I’ve somehow inspired both a cross-country liason AND a farcical kidnapping scheme. Yessss!

Hello.

You know how you make friends with people online? You drift around and chat to people and blah blah blah.

I’m not sure how I discovered you. It was Friday and I was just browsing.

Anyway…

I found your profile and I immediately thought of another online friend, and sent her an email with no content except your profile address. She replied with the one word “WOW” (her caps). She had read your journal by then. I only read it today. We had never met.

Immediately after this exchange of emails, I got in my car and drove all the way across the (small skinny) country to see her. And stayed all weekend. It could conceivably be the best thing I have ever done. It is certainly one of the wisest.

It was decided during the weekend that we have no choice: one of us must come to California and kidnap you. We haven’t quite decided if it will be Ele or me, depends on who has the time and various other crap. She has her PhD to think about and I have just got a new job. We are both a bit pushed for time. She seems to think it should probably me, but I think that is just sexual stereotyping.

Anyway, it would be a matter of great convenience if you could have a bag packed and give us a general idea of your daily movements so we don’t get the wrong gal. Maybe you could arrange to wear a distinctive hat or something? Also, could you please weigh yourself (and your bag), phone up a suitable transatlantic airline and ask them how much excess baggage we will have to pay on a big burlap sack containing something that weighs the same as you (and your bag)? Please ensure that you are carrying at least that amount of cash about your person at all times.

We will treat you very well. We are your friends; your TRUE friends.

I have marked 29/02/12 in my diary, as the date for the apocalypse (British date format) so you can be pretty sure that one of us will be with you before then.

Your anticipated cooperation in the above matters is appreciated.

Many thanks

L.C.

I told them I’d wear my fedora and that their best chance of kidnapping me is generally at Burning Man. And, no, I have no shame, thankyouverymuch.

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